single mom

3 years ago today, you set me free

Three years ago today you said you wanted to separate and not be a family anymore.  So much has happened and I’m actually to the point now that I’m thankful for it, hence the title of this posting.  I want to say thank you for making the decision that I could not make.  Thank you for releasing me to become a better person and who I needed to be.  Thank you for letting D and I become a healthy family.  Even as tough as it is sometimes to be a single mom, I’d never go back to being with you.  I’m not bitter anymore, still angry about how everything happened and the lies that you told to cover it up.  The way you wouldn’t take responsibility for your actions and blame me for everything.  It’s quite laughable now.  I’m glad I’m older and wiser.  You have helped me see what abuse is and what I do not want in another person. I’m a giving person and not selfish, I deserve to have someone treat me the same way….with compassion and love and just generally being nice.

There was such a fine line for your moods and what set you off. I hope one day you really get the help you need.  I hope you can see yourself for what you are and not what you think you are.  I hope you can accept yourself for you who are and be honest and real with people.  Who knows what you might be in the future.  I actually do wish the best for you and no longer wish for other things.  I know I’m a better person now and I appreciate the lessons learned.

 

I’m free….to be…..to be me

30 Things to Stop Doing

I found a new blog to follow today and it was very insightful. I thought I’d pick at least one of them and reflect upon how it moved me.  Well here it is….(reference: Marc and Angel Hack Life )

25.  Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

I’m very guilty of being ok all the time. I have to be…..I’m a single mom without spousal support. I am a full time working woman outside of the home and I also try to participate in life outside of work and mommy things.  But I realized the other day that it’s very hard for me to open up when I need to cry.  And yes sometimes we NEED to.  I know this is a learned behavior from my childhood, but it is still hard to shake.  I will make an effort in the future to be ok to cry or have a bad day or to just be what I need to be in the moment.  and it’s ok.

Made it to 50!

I can’t believe it, but about a month or so ago, I hit the big 5-0! Yes, I lost 50 lbs.  I’m kind of at a stand still right now, but I’m hoping with upping my gym visits to 5 nights/week, hopefully that will push me over the edge. And to be honest I haven’t been watching my foot as much as I was before, so it’s partly my fault.  I’m ok with it, I knew I was doing it and I am ok with it taking longer than I want it to.

The dating while you are a single mom sucks.  I’m resigned to the fact that I will not find a quality man and I’m ok with it.  I’m doing just fine on my own, although sometimes it would be nice to have adult time and a helper.  But sometimes that can also come with headaches.  I’ve done the online dating websites and always come up snake eyes.  I don’t have friends of friends to hook me up.  Don’t want to meet someone at church because what if it doesn’t work out.  Maybe a guy at Dylan’s school.  HAHAHA  But really when I look at my life I really don’t have time to put someone in it again.  I’d just end up disappointing them with how much I couldn’t see them.

Birthdays

Well, as you may or may not know, tomorrow is my 32nd.  It’s hard to believe that I’m in my early 30s now.  However, as I come to my birthday this year, I look back on everything that I’ve been through and accomplished this past year since my 31st.  I’m now living on my own with Dylan in Clayton.  I’ve paid off all my credit card debt.  I have a new vehicle.  I sold the 4 wheeler.  My credit rating is coming up.  I haven’t sold the house in Garner yet. I’m a single mom 24/7.  I look forward to seeing what this year has in store for me.

Our move to Clayton was I good one and at the right time I believe.  December 14th of 2008 was the end of part of my life so it would be fitting that on December 15th of 2009 I move into my new place.  Some of the goals I have for the year are to leave the anger behind and to be more ok with where I am.  I’m here for a reason I just need to embrace it and move on.  I want to pay off my college loans finally.  Slowly but surely I’m getting this train on the tracks.  I’m thankful, so thankful for my friends and family.