Moving on

3 years ago today, you set me free

Three years ago today you said you wanted to separate and not be a family anymore.  So much has happened and I’m actually to the point now that I’m thankful for it, hence the title of this posting.  I want to say thank you for making the decision that I could not make.  Thank you for releasing me to become a better person and who I needed to be.  Thank you for letting D and I become a healthy family.  Even as tough as it is sometimes to be a single mom, I’d never go back to being with you.  I’m not bitter anymore, still angry about how everything happened and the lies that you told to cover it up.  The way you wouldn’t take responsibility for your actions and blame me for everything.  It’s quite laughable now.  I’m glad I’m older and wiser.  You have helped me see what abuse is and what I do not want in another person. I’m a giving person and not selfish, I deserve to have someone treat me the same way….with compassion and love and just generally being nice.

There was such a fine line for your moods and what set you off. I hope one day you really get the help you need.  I hope you can see yourself for what you are and not what you think you are.  I hope you can accept yourself for you who are and be honest and real with people.  Who knows what you might be in the future.  I actually do wish the best for you and no longer wish for other things.  I know I’m a better person now and I appreciate the lessons learned.

 

I’m free….to be…..to be me

Shedding the Past

I’ve been told to truly get past hurts you must forgive the person that hurt you.  I’m not there yet. I was, but another hurt happens and it opens the wounds again as if it was just yesterday.  Sometimes I get frustrated with myself over this, but I’m only human and I should let my mind and soul work through this just as I’ve done other things.  I feel as though I’m not completely myself by holding on to this and this anger.  I need to move on and I know that completely, but something I’m not sure what is holding me back.  Maybe it’s a protective mechanism so that I am aware of this behavior in others in the future. Or maybe I’m just not ready yet.  Either way, I’m giving myself a break to feel what I feel.  I thought I was done with all this and it creeped up a few weeks ago.  Sometimes it’s out of site/out of mind, then something will happen and it’s all new again.  Not as new each time, I am moving forward for sure, but sometimes I’m still amazed at how people can treat each other without guilt or regret.

Dylan is my life, my whole soul.  I will never regret the decisions made that got me here.  I may have wished certain things were different, but still all and all I’m happy with where I am.

So let it go………………….

Total Loss

I weighed myself this week at the gym…..total loss = 24.5 lbs since last August/September.  I feel like it should be more at this point, but will be satisfied that at least I’m loosing. I wasn’t loosing for so long and I think even gaining while still going to the gym.  Yes, this is better, much better.

Tomorrow will be the official end to a certain part of my life and the beginning of another.  I hope the next 10 years are, relationship wise, very uncomplicated.

New Year, New Everything

So overwhelmed with the New Year and it’s only the first month.  I have so much going on I don’t know what to do.

I’m working on getting the house in garner ready to rent to a friend.  Dylan is getting tested for things.  Frustrated with my rental agreement and property mgmt company.  Family stresses me out.  I think I’ll just move away and some of these things will take care of themselves. LOL

On the plus side, I’m going to be officially legally single.  Which while I didn’t want this option, I am going to embrace it so I can move on.  I’ve done pretty good so far, so this is the last nail in the coffin as they say.

Dylan wants a sibling and keeps asking me for one. I think if he asks again I might have to start the birds and bees conversation so that he will know that it won’t happen for a LONG time.  The dating thing is another frustration. I don’t feel my standards aren’t ENORMOUSLY high, but I’ve yet to find someone that fits even 1/2 of them.  Plus do I really want to endanger Dylan’s well being and emotional development by getting involved with someone I barely even know.  I’m not saying he’ll be involved from the beginning with my dating life, but eventually there will be a “meeting”.  How do you trust someone with your children after you’ve been through divorce and that is so damaging by itself.  I’ve kind of thought to myself, maybe no dating until Dylan is in high school, but then I don’t know either.  He’ll have crazy hormones by that time and will probably rebel against me getting involved with anyone.  Maybe I should do so now while he’s still open to me being with someone else. LOL  I guess only time will tell.

I’m also still working out. I’m at a total loss of 21 lbs. I’m hoping to be less 30 lbs by spring/summer.  Sometimes I loose without even trying so I guess that’s good. Right?  I do miss the gym when I don’t go and I feel so much better after I do go.

Well, to the future we go with our minds and arms open wide.