So I have made a decision to join a GYM!! I don’t take it lightly and it is by no means a “new years resolution”…..no one really stands by them anyways. So last night was my first night and it felt SOOOOO good. I forgot how good it feels to get the blood pumping.
So the month has come to show how much we LOVE our special someone. Well this year I’ve kind of become anti valentines day. Why should we just share this on ONE day of year? If you feel so great about this someone, show them love all the year long. We take for granted our loved ones and in a moment they can be gone forever until we see them again on the other side. I am also guilty of this and as the saying goes, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
I think the snow and being in the house so much has really effected my mood the past week or so. I have also become enlightened by things that were unknown before and it has again stirred my anger. When I feel angry I no longer feel in control of my emotions. I feel if I cry or show anger, this is letting someone else have control over me and I’m NOT ok with that. Summer needs to get here ASAP so the flip flop season can officially begin.
Well, as you may or may not know, tomorrow is my 32nd. It’s hard to believe that I’m in my early 30s now. However, as I come to my birthday this year, I look back on everything that I’ve been through and accomplished this past year since my 31st. I’m now living on my own with Dylan in Clayton. I’ve paid off all my credit card debt. I have a new vehicle. I sold the 4 wheeler. My credit rating is coming up. I haven’t sold the house in Garner yet. I’m a single mom 24/7. I look forward to seeing what this year has in store for me.
Our move to Clayton was I good one and at the right time I believe. December 14th of 2008 was the end of part of my life so it would be fitting that on December 15th of 2009 I move into my new place. Some of the goals I have for the year are to leave the anger behind and to be more ok with where I am. I’m here for a reason I just need to embrace it and move on. I want to pay off my college loans finally. Slowly but surely I’m getting this train on the tracks. I’m thankful, so thankful for my friends and family.
So I have a question: Does family, no matter what you do forgive you for every wrong doing and let you back in no matter what?
I have a family member that for years and years has taken advantage of many of the other family members and abused them in certain ways. They would like the door reopened because now they are married, have children, and are pregnant with a new child. I’ve told them they have to prove themselves worthy. It’s very hard when you trust someone and they continue to trespass against you, to open that door again. So I’m still on the fence and for the most part I’m supported in my decision to keep them out of my life. This person is ALWAYS drama, always. And right now I choose against the drama.
I want the freedom to love, care, feel free to just be. It’s amazing how something so “free” can feel so out of reach. It has escaped me as of recently, but I will attain it. I look forward to that day of everlasting freedom. Who knows when it will come, but I just know this can’t last forever.
Today I realized in church service that I am not who I need to be for Dylan as a spiritual example. I am good, but good is not enough. You have to always care yourself and be yourself as God would be. I don’t do all of it and I should strive to be that. Well here is my promise baby boy, to be that which you need in all areas, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
‘Cause my shackles
So you won’t be
And my rapture
So you won’t believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me
So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding on to splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don’t need you to keep my faith alive
Shackled ~ Vertical Horizon
Well it is that time again, another holiday for celebration and time with family. I will be spending time with D and my mom, hopefully at the beach. There is nothing more exciting and calming than the time spent with him at the beach. The calming waves crashing on the sand and birds in the air gliding on the wind.
Some people when they go to the beach, always have to be doing and going, not me. Just give me the sun and waves…..and not necessarily the heat. I’m not a sunbather necessarily, but I can and have been known to lay out. 😉 I’ll grab a book and a beach chair and I’m home. The beach just feels like where my soul was meant to be. Maybe because my mom loves the beach so much. I always kid her that it’s what she gave me if nothing else because I look so much like my dad.
I look forward to giving my cares away to the wind and waves this weekend and I hope you can too if for just a moment. In the end, you can’t take them with you anyway.
It’s amazing to me that people get caught up in the weirdiest things. I always pride myself on being true to myself and others in all situations. I don’t say that I’ve always told the truth in all situations, I know I’ve told the white lie now and again.
But to deliberately try to manipulate and catch someone in something that was made up in the first place….well be careful what you send out because it will catch up with you in the end.
My son D will be starting the 1st grade next week. We have his “popsicle popin” on Friday to meet his teachers. He’s excited and not so much at the same time. I have the same feelings. It means he’ll be learning more and I take pride in what he learns and his accomplishments, but it also means he’ll be more independant and moving on more from the little boy I once knew. I guess that’s how all parents feel and it’ll always be a double edged sword, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. He continues to amaze me every day.
Sometimes I think children were put here for our entertainment. I have a journal that I write down funny things that he says and does that make me laugh out loud. I will create a list of them on the blog one day to share. I hope they make you laugh.
So this is the beginning of my blog. I’m not sure the direction it will take or what it will contain, but at the advice of a friend, I’m going to start. I’ve carried a diary for many years and it has given me comfort, I now sit infront of a computer more often than not. I’ve had many changes over the past few years and I will take some time later this week perhaps and fill in the blanks, but for now, I’ll just leave you with the thought of there is more to come. I’m off to work and make my dollar like the rest of the world.