Sunday October 30, 2011

Now that football season is officially over…..what will we do?  HAHAHA relax and take in the time for us at home.  I really need to find something else for him to be involved in.  It’s really amazing how much time you have vs. how much you think you have.  I mean even though we were on the go all the time and I felt like I didn’t have much time at all, I really did have time.  I made time for people when I could and the house was still in good shape. 🙂

However, I find myself sad tonight.  I’m not really sure why. I’m trying to figure it out.  I never really feel “sad” except for all the appropriate times….death, bad news, someone getting hurt, someone sick, etc etc.  But in a general sad mood no.  We’ve had a great weekend.  Had a visitor Saturday that came to Dylan’s game and mom was there as well.  They didn’t win, but it was fun all the same.  Dylan had a great, no……. awesome tackle!  I didn’t get a picture of it. 🙁  But that’s ok.  Then we had his awards ceremony at ci cis pizza.  Then off to the Mestey’s house for a cookout/bonfire.  Friday night we also had a bonfire at Mitch’s farm and I got to see all my Clayton friends.  Maybe that’s the problem……I don’t feel like I fit again.  I don’t see my friends in Clayton much at all anymore, I have few friends here……Dylan is moody lately and it makes me feel like a bad mom.  We have similar issues, so I think we get on each others nerves sometimes, especially when we are tired.  I think I’m also sad that I don’t have a “traditional” family at home…..kids, husband, wife…..and I miss it.  Although it is hard and probably harder than what I have now. I miss sharing myself with someone.  I feel like I’m broken and can’t fix it.  I have hit a wall and can’t get over it or under it.  Time for self reflection I think…….

First 5K is thrilling.

Official time 34.17; 11 min mile 😉

Never thought I’d run a 5K or run for fun at all really. But now that I have my first 5K under my belt, I just might get the itch and it’s a good one to have.  I still haven’t lost any more than 50 lbs, but I do realize that I’m thinning out, so muscle tone is a great thing.  I feel so accomplished right now, it’s amazing and I never want to loose this feeling.

D loves to run as well. Yesterday we ran one lap with the dogs and one lap without. He’s impressed with himself and how far he can run without giving out. I was actually the one that gave out yesterday, but I didn’t want to pull anything before my 2nd 5K, Nov 20th at 2pm.  It’s the Triangle Expressway Trot.  The company I work for has the job to stripe the highway, so we are making a team together to run.  Should be great!

September 16-18

Asheville, NC is a wonderful place. I haven’t been since I was a child still living at home.  A friend and I decided kind of last minute to take a trip there and mom kept the D man.

This visit included a trip to Chimney Rock and it was wonderful.  The elevator was broken and even though the stairs were insane, I wouldn’t have traded it for the quick elevator trip.  There were beautiful pictures taken of the scenery.  The view was just majestic. Then went downtown and visited some shops and saw some hand drummers. I forget the name of the type of drum, but it was very rhythmic and wonderful.  After a good night sleep, onto Linville Caverns and Linville Falls. Then Mount Mitchell which is the highest point in NC.  It was pretty awesome and we were above the clouds.  We had lunch on the top of Mount Mitchell and I ate like a pig!  Then a relaxing hour in the hotel and back off to downtown.  On Sunday, we planned to go to Biltmore estate, but it didn’t workout that way.  We went shopping again to make sure we had gifts for the important persons in our lives.  I purchased a book at a store on the blue ridge parkway that listed hiking trails and waterfalls in the NC Mountains. We found two of them on the way home.  What a wonderful weekend.

Dylan played his 3rd football game and won 28-20!  he also lost another tooth.

9/11 reflections and a funny d-ism

9/11/2001 – I was working for London Pacific Life and Annuity in various roles.  I was posting checks and other information into the AS 400 system for the overseas clients.  Someone came into the operations area (where I was) and said there has been a bombing at the world trade center.  I was like, what is the World Trade Center???  At the time, I didn’t really think much of it because there are bombings all over and tragic things that happen, but of course over the span of 2 hours or so, all that changed.  I was released from work early as were others of my friends.  Cell phone service was messed up all day.  My husband at the time could not get in touch with family members in DC.  Even though, he did not believe them to be in that area, it’s reassuring when you know everyone is OK.  The news coverage was non stop for days/weeks.  It’s easy to forget the horror of that day after 10 years.  So much has changed even though it only feels like a few years ago.  Dylan was not born, I’d only been married a few months.  I was just a baby in my adult life.  The thing I remember being shocked by the most were the people jumping/falling out of the buildings.  I try to imagine myself in that same place and what I would do and honestly I don’t know….even now after 10 years, I still don’t know which I would choose.  The window is quick immediate death, staying in the building is more drawn out and frightening.  Slow death of either suffocation or being stuck in rubble and not being able to get out.  I can not imagine the fear and anxiety the people felt on that day before they died.  I’ve recently watched more footage that was not shown on TV and it brought so many emotions back. I still cry for them and their families.  I don’t understand the hate that others feel for the US.  I’m sure we have made poor decisions, but what government hasn’t??  I’m sure this event will be “the event” for my generation.  What Dylan and his children will ask me about for school reports etc. in years to come.  I hope I can remember these feeling and what happened that day clear as a bell. I will continue to review the footage to help me retain the information as much as I can.

Now for a funny Dylan-ism.  Dylan had his second game at TriCounty in Durham on Saturday at 10:15am.  We traveled with Hunter Metsey and his family 45 mins to get to the field.  Now it being Durham, the players were all black and our team save for two players were all white.  So we pull into the parking lot and see a player.  Dylan says….momma they are black.  Of course I look at their skin, but I notice a player with a jersey on that is of course black.  Then I said you are right.  Then he says again…mom and we are white, but they are black.  It was so hard to keep from laughing, I know he wasn’t stating the color of their skin, but to just hear the talk and not see the imagines, it was hilarious.  I love that boy more and more every day!

Shedding the Past

I’ve been told to truly get past hurts you must forgive the person that hurt you.  I’m not there yet. I was, but another hurt happens and it opens the wounds again as if it was just yesterday.  Sometimes I get frustrated with myself over this, but I’m only human and I should let my mind and soul work through this just as I’ve done other things.  I feel as though I’m not completely myself by holding on to this and this anger.  I need to move on and I know that completely, but something I’m not sure what is holding me back.  Maybe it’s a protective mechanism so that I am aware of this behavior in others in the future. Or maybe I’m just not ready yet.  Either way, I’m giving myself a break to feel what I feel.  I thought I was done with all this and it creeped up a few weeks ago.  Sometimes it’s out of site/out of mind, then something will happen and it’s all new again.  Not as new each time, I am moving forward for sure, but sometimes I’m still amazed at how people can treat each other without guilt or regret.

Dylan is my life, my whole soul.  I will never regret the decisions made that got me here.  I may have wished certain things were different, but still all and all I’m happy with where I am.

So let it go………………….

Shedding and Thinning

One of the hardest things in my life has been to loose this weight and keep it off. I’ve lost 50 lbs and I’m working on the last 20 of it.  It will be a great accomplishment.  I have people tell me all the time that I’m an inspiration, but I just look at it as getting healthy so I can be around to see my grandkids.  I want to be healthy, not just weight wise, but heart, soul everything.  I tell people when they ask that it really is all about calories in vs. calories out.  Some people say, but I don’t have an hour 4-5 times a week to work out. Well, do you really want to wait until you are having cholesterol problems, heart problems etc to “have time”???  I’m glad I’m finally doing this for me. I’m not about doing this so I can get a man, heck I don’t even have time for one.  It does feel good to be healthier and I’m looking forward to more changes along the way.

Speaking of men, why do people feel like since I’m single there must be something wrong. LOL  I like being single. I can wear what I want when I want. I don’t have to cook for anyone if I don’t want to.  I don’t feel guilty about not being at home while they are at home.  I don’t have to be home at a certain time.  I know what money I make and where it goes out to.  I can put money in my savings account without having to worry about where it might go……  I get a lot more freedom by not being in a relationship.  So many times there are too many “controls” in a relationship.  I don’t think it should be that way.  If there is trust then there is no need for controls.  But we all come with our own baggage to sort through.  I’m getting through mine as the days gone on and as the song goes ” I’m getting a little bit stronger”.

Made it to 50!

I can’t believe it, but about a month or so ago, I hit the big 5-0! Yes, I lost 50 lbs.  I’m kind of at a stand still right now, but I’m hoping with upping my gym visits to 5 nights/week, hopefully that will push me over the edge. And to be honest I haven’t been watching my foot as much as I was before, so it’s partly my fault.  I’m ok with it, I knew I was doing it and I am ok with it taking longer than I want it to.

The dating while you are a single mom sucks.  I’m resigned to the fact that I will not find a quality man and I’m ok with it.  I’m doing just fine on my own, although sometimes it would be nice to have adult time and a helper.  But sometimes that can also come with headaches.  I’ve done the online dating websites and always come up snake eyes.  I don’t have friends of friends to hook me up.  Don’t want to meet someone at church because what if it doesn’t work out.  Maybe a guy at Dylan’s school.  HAHAHA  But really when I look at my life I really don’t have time to put someone in it again.  I’d just end up disappointing them with how much I couldn’t see them.

Update on Shedding the Lbs

I’ve lost close to 40 lbs total now and down two sizes.  It’s a great feeling and I’m still loosing. I’m close to my ideal, but I still have about 25 lbs to go.  I know these will be the hardest to loose and will take longer, but it’s worth it to be healthier and in better shape.  Even though I’m not where I want to be weight wise, I feel much better about myself and my body, something that hasn’t always been with me.

I think my 30s are shaping up to be some of the best years of my life.  I look forward to the future and all it has to offer.

People that amaze me………The High Road

There is good and bad amazement.

I really should take what I have learned in my past and apply it to future interactions with those same people.  People don’t change.  If they are liars, they are liars.  If they are cheaters, they are cheaters, but in the same way, if people are good, they are good when no one is watching, if people are considerate, they just are.

It’s sad to think that they can’t change and don’t want to change and also can’t see themselves for what they truly are.  I want to scream it to them so that they can see, but they won’t open their eyes to the truth.  They are comfortable where they are, taking advantage of people, being selfish etc etc.  Well, you can be that way, but I’m not going to allow you to bring me down with you.  I’m taking the high road.

Total Loss

I weighed myself this week at the gym…..total loss = 24.5 lbs since last August/September.  I feel like it should be more at this point, but will be satisfied that at least I’m loosing. I wasn’t loosing for so long and I think even gaining while still going to the gym.  Yes, this is better, much better.

Tomorrow will be the official end to a certain part of my life and the beginning of another.  I hope the next 10 years are, relationship wise, very uncomplicated.