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30 Things to Stop Doing

I found a new blog to follow today and it was very insightful. I thought I’d pick at least one of them and reflect upon how it moved me.  Well here it is….(reference: Marc and Angel Hack Life )

25.  Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

I’m very guilty of being ok all the time. I have to be…..I’m a single mom without spousal support. I am a full time working woman outside of the home and I also try to participate in life outside of work and mommy things.  But I realized the other day that it’s very hard for me to open up when I need to cry.  And yes sometimes we NEED to.  I know this is a learned behavior from my childhood, but it is still hard to shake.  I will make an effort in the future to be ok to cry or have a bad day or to just be what I need to be in the moment.  and it’s ok.

30 days of Thanksgiving – 2011

I have many many things to be thankful for, these are only a few.

1)  My God

2)  My son

3)  My Mom

4)  My closest friends

5)  My Dad

6)  My Granny

7)  My Job

8)  My Freedom

9)  My humor

10) The trials in my life that have made me a better/stronger person

11)  Starbucks and/or coffee of any kind

12)  Summer days/nights

13)  The family farm/open country

14)  The ocean and animals in it

15)  My home

16)  My clothes/shoes

17)  My vehicle

18)  My FB friends and FB

19)  Healthcare and insurance

20)  ability to run

21)  co-workers that make my life interesting

22)  college degree

23)  fresh cut grass

24)  flip flops (should probably be higher on the list – lol)

25)  waterfalls / natural beauty

26)  words of affirmation

27)  the feeling of touch

28)  holidays spend with family and friends

29)  my iphone – materialistic I know, but it keeps me in touch with many

30)  new beginnings

My List for a lifer :)

So I was challenged by a friend lately to make a list of what I wanted in a life partner, no I don’t use that as a same sex relationship does, but as a choice to spend the rest of my life with – person.  So here is the list, so I’ll know it when I see it.

1)  Financially Secure and makes sound decisions

2)  Has a good job, not wealthy, just stable and secure and meeting bills

3)  Treats mother with respect and love because this is an indicator of how I will be treated

4)  Has faith in God

5)  Loves children

6)  Can communicate well, doesn’t yell or have anger issues

7)  Willing to deal with issues as they come up within us and outside of us

8)  Is respectful to my friends and family

9)  Likes family time

10)  has own interests and is ok without constant interaction

11)  makes time for me without me having to ask

12)  takes pride in our home/family

13)  lets me be me and doesn’t belittle me

14)  will participate with me in things and enjoy them

15)  likes a clean/neat house (not a slob)

16)  willing to let me be girly when I need to and tomboy when I need to 🙂

17)  has drive and passion to accomplish/has goals working towards

18)  will push me to be a better person

19)  comfortable with him as a friend

the list will continue to develop……………..

Sunday October 30, 2011

Now that football season is officially over…..what will we do?  HAHAHA relax and take in the time for us at home.  I really need to find something else for him to be involved in.  It’s really amazing how much time you have vs. how much you think you have.  I mean even though we were on the go all the time and I felt like I didn’t have much time at all, I really did have time.  I made time for people when I could and the house was still in good shape. 🙂

However, I find myself sad tonight.  I’m not really sure why. I’m trying to figure it out.  I never really feel “sad” except for all the appropriate times….death, bad news, someone getting hurt, someone sick, etc etc.  But in a general sad mood no.  We’ve had a great weekend.  Had a visitor Saturday that came to Dylan’s game and mom was there as well.  They didn’t win, but it was fun all the same.  Dylan had a great, no……. awesome tackle!  I didn’t get a picture of it. 🙁  But that’s ok.  Then we had his awards ceremony at ci cis pizza.  Then off to the Mestey’s house for a cookout/bonfire.  Friday night we also had a bonfire at Mitch’s farm and I got to see all my Clayton friends.  Maybe that’s the problem……I don’t feel like I fit again.  I don’t see my friends in Clayton much at all anymore, I have few friends here……Dylan is moody lately and it makes me feel like a bad mom.  We have similar issues, so I think we get on each others nerves sometimes, especially when we are tired.  I think I’m also sad that I don’t have a “traditional” family at home…..kids, husband, wife…..and I miss it.  Although it is hard and probably harder than what I have now. I miss sharing myself with someone.  I feel like I’m broken and can’t fix it.  I have hit a wall and can’t get over it or under it.  Time for self reflection I think…….

September 16-18

Asheville, NC is a wonderful place. I haven’t been since I was a child still living at home.  A friend and I decided kind of last minute to take a trip there and mom kept the D man.

This visit included a trip to Chimney Rock and it was wonderful.  The elevator was broken and even though the stairs were insane, I wouldn’t have traded it for the quick elevator trip.  There were beautiful pictures taken of the scenery.  The view was just majestic. Then went downtown and visited some shops and saw some hand drummers. I forget the name of the type of drum, but it was very rhythmic and wonderful.  After a good night sleep, onto Linville Caverns and Linville Falls. Then Mount Mitchell which is the highest point in NC.  It was pretty awesome and we were above the clouds.  We had lunch on the top of Mount Mitchell and I ate like a pig!  Then a relaxing hour in the hotel and back off to downtown.  On Sunday, we planned to go to Biltmore estate, but it didn’t workout that way.  We went shopping again to make sure we had gifts for the important persons in our lives.  I purchased a book at a store on the blue ridge parkway that listed hiking trails and waterfalls in the NC Mountains. We found two of them on the way home.  What a wonderful weekend.

Dylan played his 3rd football game and won 28-20!  he also lost another tooth.

9/11 reflections and a funny d-ism

9/11/2001 – I was working for London Pacific Life and Annuity in various roles.  I was posting checks and other information into the AS 400 system for the overseas clients.  Someone came into the operations area (where I was) and said there has been a bombing at the world trade center.  I was like, what is the World Trade Center???  At the time, I didn’t really think much of it because there are bombings all over and tragic things that happen, but of course over the span of 2 hours or so, all that changed.  I was released from work early as were others of my friends.  Cell phone service was messed up all day.  My husband at the time could not get in touch with family members in DC.  Even though, he did not believe them to be in that area, it’s reassuring when you know everyone is OK.  The news coverage was non stop for days/weeks.  It’s easy to forget the horror of that day after 10 years.  So much has changed even though it only feels like a few years ago.  Dylan was not born, I’d only been married a few months.  I was just a baby in my adult life.  The thing I remember being shocked by the most were the people jumping/falling out of the buildings.  I try to imagine myself in that same place and what I would do and honestly I don’t know….even now after 10 years, I still don’t know which I would choose.  The window is quick immediate death, staying in the building is more drawn out and frightening.  Slow death of either suffocation or being stuck in rubble and not being able to get out.  I can not imagine the fear and anxiety the people felt on that day before they died.  I’ve recently watched more footage that was not shown on TV and it brought so many emotions back. I still cry for them and their families.  I don’t understand the hate that others feel for the US.  I’m sure we have made poor decisions, but what government hasn’t??  I’m sure this event will be “the event” for my generation.  What Dylan and his children will ask me about for school reports etc. in years to come.  I hope I can remember these feeling and what happened that day clear as a bell. I will continue to review the footage to help me retain the information as much as I can.

Now for a funny Dylan-ism.  Dylan had his second game at TriCounty in Durham on Saturday at 10:15am.  We traveled with Hunter Metsey and his family 45 mins to get to the field.  Now it being Durham, the players were all black and our team save for two players were all white.  So we pull into the parking lot and see a player.  Dylan says….momma they are black.  Of course I look at their skin, but I notice a player with a jersey on that is of course black.  Then I said you are right.  Then he says again…mom and we are white, but they are black.  It was so hard to keep from laughing, I know he wasn’t stating the color of their skin, but to just hear the talk and not see the imagines, it was hilarious.  I love that boy more and more every day!

Shedding the Past

I’ve been told to truly get past hurts you must forgive the person that hurt you.  I’m not there yet. I was, but another hurt happens and it opens the wounds again as if it was just yesterday.  Sometimes I get frustrated with myself over this, but I’m only human and I should let my mind and soul work through this just as I’ve done other things.  I feel as though I’m not completely myself by holding on to this and this anger.  I need to move on and I know that completely, but something I’m not sure what is holding me back.  Maybe it’s a protective mechanism so that I am aware of this behavior in others in the future. Or maybe I’m just not ready yet.  Either way, I’m giving myself a break to feel what I feel.  I thought I was done with all this and it creeped up a few weeks ago.  Sometimes it’s out of site/out of mind, then something will happen and it’s all new again.  Not as new each time, I am moving forward for sure, but sometimes I’m still amazed at how people can treat each other without guilt or regret.

Dylan is my life, my whole soul.  I will never regret the decisions made that got me here.  I may have wished certain things were different, but still all and all I’m happy with where I am.

So let it go………………….

People that amaze me………The High Road

There is good and bad amazement.

I really should take what I have learned in my past and apply it to future interactions with those same people.  People don’t change.  If they are liars, they are liars.  If they are cheaters, they are cheaters, but in the same way, if people are good, they are good when no one is watching, if people are considerate, they just are.

It’s sad to think that they can’t change and don’t want to change and also can’t see themselves for what they truly are.  I want to scream it to them so that they can see, but they won’t open their eyes to the truth.  They are comfortable where they are, taking advantage of people, being selfish etc etc.  Well, you can be that way, but I’m not going to allow you to bring me down with you.  I’m taking the high road.

New Year, New Everything

So overwhelmed with the New Year and it’s only the first month.  I have so much going on I don’t know what to do.

I’m working on getting the house in garner ready to rent to a friend.  Dylan is getting tested for things.  Frustrated with my rental agreement and property mgmt company.  Family stresses me out.  I think I’ll just move away and some of these things will take care of themselves. LOL

On the plus side, I’m going to be officially legally single.  Which while I didn’t want this option, I am going to embrace it so I can move on.  I’ve done pretty good so far, so this is the last nail in the coffin as they say.

Dylan wants a sibling and keeps asking me for one. I think if he asks again I might have to start the birds and bees conversation so that he will know that it won’t happen for a LONG time.  The dating thing is another frustration. I don’t feel my standards aren’t ENORMOUSLY high, but I’ve yet to find someone that fits even 1/2 of them.  Plus do I really want to endanger Dylan’s well being and emotional development by getting involved with someone I barely even know.  I’m not saying he’ll be involved from the beginning with my dating life, but eventually there will be a “meeting”.  How do you trust someone with your children after you’ve been through divorce and that is so damaging by itself.  I’ve kind of thought to myself, maybe no dating until Dylan is in high school, but then I don’t know either.  He’ll have crazy hormones by that time and will probably rebel against me getting involved with anyone.  Maybe I should do so now while he’s still open to me being with someone else. LOL  I guess only time will tell.

I’m also still working out. I’m at a total loss of 21 lbs. I’m hoping to be less 30 lbs by spring/summer.  Sometimes I loose without even trying so I guess that’s good. Right?  I do miss the gym when I don’t go and I feel so much better after I do go.

Well, to the future we go with our minds and arms open wide.

Football Season 2010

Oh my goodness, what a season.  The Clayton Comets Mini Mite White team are the 2010 Superbowl Champions!  They also are the Runner-Up in their conference with a 10-1 OVERALL record.

This was the first year that D played football and the first two weeks were H***.  He didn’t want to go and I had to drag him there.  The first week was conditioning without pads and the second week was conditioning with pads.  It started the first weekend in August and we had 4 practices a week minimum lasting at least 2 hours.  It’s a tough routine for a 7yo that is only used to one practice a week for other sports.  But he hung in there and has really become an awesome football player.  He started out at Nose Guard on defense, but by the end of the season he was Defensive End.  At the end of the season, he hit someone so hard in practice that he knocked his own teeth out (baby) and chipped a permanent tooth.

The Superbowl was Nov 20, 2010 and the final score was 27-31.  It was a VERY tight, close game.  Both teams did well.  It was down to the wire.  All the parents were on their feet the last two mins of the game because Wendell had possession and were VERY clsoe to the end zone.  But we came out victors!  The awards banquet was Nov 22, 2010 and it was really awesome.  The kids got some really cool items!  Even superbowl rings!!

I think this will be the beginning of something really great.  He is already telling me he’s gonna go PRO!  I hope so, it would be so awesome and I’d be such a proud mom!